Saving Our Marriages

In earlier columns, I have spent a great deal of time explaining why liberalism is wrong.  One of my arguments is that in expecting government bureaucracies to save us from our worst problems, progressives have bet on the wrong horse.  One area where this is tragically the case is the fragmentation of the family.

Liberalism did not cause the upsurge in divorce, cohabitation, and unwed parenthood.  These arose thanks to the successes of capitalism.  Once our society became sufficiently wealthy, people could break loose from the marital restrictions of the past—and they did.

This, unfortunately, had dire consequences.  One is that people are lonelier than previously.  In the absence of dependably committed relationships, they drift into anomy.  Now rudderless, they do not know where to find the emotional support to endure life’s trials.

More importantly, they are less emotionally available to their children. Many of our young do not receive the reliable socialization they deserve.  As a result, they grow up insecure and unable to cope with taxing demands.  While they feel entitled to whatever they desire, they lack the toughness to perform complex jobs.

I have described this problem as owing to “voluntary intimacy.” Nowadays neither men nor women have to marry if they do not want to.  Both genders are perfectly capable of independently meeting their needs in an economy that can supply almost all of them.

The trouble comes when individuals who want to marry find that they do not know how to.  The old norms and the traditional gender division of labor no longer apply, whereas appropriate means of maintaining reliable bonds have not fully evolved. This has led to doubts about the validity of marriage as an institution.

One thing is certain: the government cannot fill the gap.  It has neither the will nor the expertise.  The government is an impersonal institution. So are the schools and welfare systems it sponsors.  Those who run these may be good people, but they have neither the time nor the inclination to furnish genuine love for millions of others.

In short: If our marriages are going to be saved, we are going to have to do the saving.  We must perform the emotional labor to make committed relationships work.  No one else can.  This requires that we begin with an honest assessment of what makes marriages work—including a realistic acceptance of their limits.

In my recently published book Saving Our Marriages, Saving Ourselves: Surviving the Voluntary Intimacy Crisis, the goal is to make these conditions plain.  Now available on Amazon.com as a paperback ($10.) and an eBook ($5.), the origins, functions, and pitfalls of marriage are laid our in straightforward language.

I go on to explain how we search for the appropriate partner and use courtship mechanisms to create emotional bonds.  Not romanticism, but honesty and interpersonal trust are essential. Above all, it takes mature adults to make mature selections.

This, of course, is not enough.  As anyone who has been married knows, intimacy brings inevitable frictions. These need to be successfully negotiated or they blow up in our faces.  I recommend a “dual concern” mode of doing so.  The crucial requirement here is moral equality between the partners.

More controversial are my recommendations regarding a domestic division of labor.  This must be hammered out by couples themselves, but will probably be influenced by gender differences.  Whatever the radical feminists say, there are such differences and they have an enormous impact.

Children likewise matter.  Once they enter the intimacy equation, adjustments must be made to accommodate their needs.  Good parenting is not automatic.  It must be responsive to the child’s situation and useful in preparing him or her to become a self-directed adult.

In this case, I recommend limits with latitude.  Parents must be adults who protect their children from life’s dangers, but also provide the space to learn how to make good personal choices.  Parents must be guides, not authoritarian overseers.

Regardless of all this, mistakes will be made.  Although they should be worked at, some marriages will fall apart.  This obliges us to understand the nature divorce and how its impact can be softened. This is especially important with respect to the children of divorce.

I find I have said a mouthful, much of which may raise questions in your minds.  The truth is that marriage and its implications are enormously complex.  That is why I wrote a book.  Perhaps some of you will check it out.

Melvyn L. Fein, Ph.D.

Professor Emeritus

Kennesaw State University