Is Marriage Obsolete?

Let me begin by answering my title question: Is marriage Obsolete? The answer is an emphatic, No!  Indeed, the institution is more important for our collective survival than previously. Despite all of the critics, committed intimacy is essential for our future.

Nonetheless, the traditional marriage is obsolete.  The ideal of the man as the sole breadwinner and the woman as the subservient homemaker is dead as a dodo.  Very few contemporaries want this; even fewer obtain it.

There is, however, a problem.  When I was in college, many of my male friends spurned the idea of marriage. Why, they asked, should they be tied down by a piece of paper?  After all, sex was available without it.  They did not realize that committed intimacy had value over and above sex.

At about the same time, feminists rejected marriage as a form of bondage.  It was a way for rapacious males to extract free labor from intimidated females.  Women were, therefore, urged to set up their own households so as to avoid dependence on toxic masculinity.

The result has been family fragmentation.  Divorce, cohabitation and unwed parenthood exploded.  More people live alone in forlorn solitude than before, while more children must make their way into adulthood without the reliable support of two parents.

Partly this is because we have changed our minds about the value of marriage, but even more crucially because marriage became expendable.  Our society has become so wealthy that neither men, nor women, have to wed in order to meet their personal needs.  Both genders can  accomodate most of these in the marketplace.

But there is an addendum to this growing freedom and it is this: If people want to marry and stay married, they need to know how to do so.  The tragedy is that many don’t.  Given that the old models do not fit the emerging situation, they cannot figure out where to turn.

This crisis of “voluntary intimacy” has to be recognized and addressed. We urgently require ways for men and women to make lasting commitments that benefit them and their offspring. These cannot be forced upon them. They must be such that the participants recognize their worth.

To this end, I have written another book.  It is entitled, Saving Our Marriages, Saving Ourselves: Surviving the Voluntary Intimacy Crisisand it is available on amazon.com as a paperback ($10) and an eBook ($5).  

The secret to determining what is appropriate to our current circumstances is to begin by examining the nature of marriage.  How did it develop and what functions does it serve.  Unless we know what is possible and what we want, it is impossible to decide how to get there.

At this point, we can ask how to choose a suitable mate, that is, one who is trustworthy and a moral balance for us.  Since this selection is voluntary, making a good pick depends on our being emotionally mature.  Committed intimacy is not for children.

Marital stability also requires that the differences between men and women be accepted and respected.  Each partner must be allowed to be him or herself without being forced into a Procrustean bed by ideologues.  Yes, women can be assertive, while men can be nurturing—but this has to be up to them.

This realism is essential because the domestic division of labor a couple negotiates has to fit them.  With the traditional job assignments outdated, the new ones need to match the requirements of a particular twosome.  Who is employed at what job, or has which particular skills, matters.

Exact parity is not the goal.  Mutually recognized fairness is.  In a good marriage the partners are a team.  They work together such that both get what they desire.  The idea is for them to have balanced satisfaction; not for one to be the winner and the other the loser.

With this in mind, the pair can collaborate on creating a haven in a heartless world.  They can construct a safe place into which to retreat when the demands of the outside world become insupportable.

They can also collaborate on raising a family.  Children deserve two parents who care about each other and their offspring.  It is under these conditions that the young are most apt to grow up to be strong enough to function as independent adults.

Our society is disintegrating.  Only strong families can hold it together.  This is why it is imperative that we—not the government—mend our marriages. Otherwise the tensions that surround us are destined to grow and become ruinous.

Melvyn L. Fein, Ph.D.

Professor Emeritus

Kennesaw State University