50/50 Nonsense

The family is in trouble.  Divorce and single parenthood are proliferating.  Much of this owes to the rubbish that has been disseminated by radical feminists.  In the name of equality, they have done their best to poison the relationships between husbands and wives.

One of the worst pieces of nonsense they spout is that intimate unions should be 50/50.  Everything that spouses do must therefore be exactly equal.  This goes for their jobs outside the home, as well as the tasks they perform within it.

Thus, the man should diaper the baby as often as his wife.  He should also wash the dishes as frequently as she does and cook just as many meals.  Anything less than complete uniformity is regarded as exploitation.  It is considered evidence that men are irredeemably selfish and why liberated women must resist becoming domestic slaves.

In any event, with Christmas coming, the emphasis on family harmony is on the rise.  Romanticized love fills the airwaves and makes many people feel that they should be more starry-eyed than they are.  Because they know that they don’t live up to the idealized role models, they assume they are doing things wrong.

But guess what, it is the idealized equality that is wrong.  Within our separate households, the goal ought not be cookie-cutter equality.  The real objective must be fairness, rather than androgyny.

Nowadays, with both men and women well educated, and with most wives holding down demanding jobs, the traditional domestic division of labor is largely obsolete.  The notion that he is the sole breadwinner and she the single homemaker is belied by on-the-ground arrangements.

 Today, most spouses must come to a private agreement about how they will divide up household responsibilities.  They don’t necessarily do things the way their parents did—or, for that matter, the way their friends do.  Instead, they find a solution that is unique to them and their circumstances.

People may not advertise these private arrangements, but they develop out of their personal inclinations and opportunities.  First off, because men and women differ, their choices often reflect their genders.  Women, for instance, are generally more comfortable interacting with babies than men.

Men, on the other hand, are commonly more mechanically inclined.  They like tinkering with automobile engines.  But that does not mean there cannot be a role reversal.  Indeed such turnarounds have become commonplace.  Many a husband now cooks dinner, while his wife deals with the smoke alarms.

Other factors also influence the choices couples make.   Their work schedules, for example, might make it sensible for him to do the grocery shopping, while she picks up the laundry.  Or if one becomes handicapped, this might dictate a modification in their assignments.

In short, contemporary couples negotiate their domestic roles.  They make idiosyncratic deals about who will do what.  Moreover, to repeat, in doing so what counts is fairness, not equality.  People, whatever their gender, do not enjoy being used.  As result, they demand parity, not uniformity.

As a sociologist, I often bring up the subject of the domestic division of labor in informal conversations.  The mostly middle class people with whom I converse are then happy to rattle off their unique understandings.  And so I am told about how he likes to do the ironing, while she is in charge of the washing machine.  Or that she mows the lawn, while he does the vacuuming.

Furthermore, I do not hear many recriminations.  People seldom accuse a spouse of being completely insensitive.  Instead, they chuckle about a way of dividing tasks they assumed were exclusive to them.  They may even feel a bit self-conscious at being “different.”

As it happens, in my home I do more of the cooking than my wife.  I also do most of the vegetable chopping because knives make her uncomfortable.  Yet she does all of the baking—because she is good at it and fond of it.  By the way, I am glad of this.  Her oatmeal cookies are to die for.

 

The point of these observations is that modern families differ from the traditional models, but that does not signify they are broken.  Nor do husbands and wives have to become androgynous clones in order to be happy.  Nowadays we have the freedom to do what works.  Shouldn’t we enjoy this?

Melvyn L. Fein, Ph.D.

Professor of Sociology

Kennesaw State University