Both my wife and my female
students often tell me that I am too hard on women. Whenever I insist that women must be
discouraged from having children out of wedlock, they remind me that men have
something to do with this as well.
Obviously, they are
right. It takes two to conceive. But they miss an important point. Only women get pregnant. This places a heavier burden on them. Although this is unfair, this injustice has
been imposed on them by nature.
Nonetheless, men must not be
let off the hook. We cannot treat those
who seduce numerous women as heroes. If
they leave their seed behind without a trace of remorse, they are
scoundrels. Far from being
super-masculine, they do not even qualify as genuine men.
Males who father children,
but do not stick around to help raise them are thugs. They are no better than muggers who grab a
woman’s purse and then flee into the darkness.
At best, they are children who play at being men.
Yiddish has a word for what
is needed. The term in “mensch.” While literally translated as “man,” it means
much more. A mensch is responsible. He (or she) is a stand up person. A mensch is someone who can be counted upon
to do the right thing in a pinch.
Today’s drive-by-fathers are
anything but. Often unable—or unwilling—to
hold a job, they refuse to support their wives and children. Typically too selfish and immature to make
sacrifices for others, they are more concerned with their momentary pleasures.
Such persons do not warrant
respect. They should be pitied and
scorned rather than admired. We ought to
get furious at their depredations.
Instead of shrugging our shoulders at the human damage they leave
behind, we should at least censure them.
But we must do more. Some feminists castigate virtually all men as
potential rapists. They also dismiss
husbands and fathers as useless appendages.
Because men tend to be more aggressive than women, males are condemned
as abusers and misanthropes.
This is a serious
mistake. Male aggressiveness can be tamed. When it is controlled, it can be turned to
positive effect. Responsibly aggressive
men protect their homes and families. Responsibly
aggressive men build huge corporations and send rockets to the moon.
The question is, therefore,
how do we convert irresponsible wastrels into trustworthy adults. A great deal of time and money has been
devoted to encouraging women to be assertive.
As much as been dedicated to teaching women the skills needed to compete
with men in the marketplace.
Men, on the other hand, are
regarded as “privileged.” Not only are
they not helped; they are frequently burdened with requirements designed to
slow them down. Most do not get
affirmative action; they get quotas and legal procedures that prevent them from
defending against charges of sexual misconduct.
Where are the classes to
teach angry young men how to be winners?
Oh, yes they get training on how not to get angry. But where is the training on how to convert
their anger into economic success?
Poor men, the ones who are most
likely to become absentee fathers, really get a raw deal. Deprived of the physical jobs that once
enabled them to support their families, they struggle to keep out of jail. Unqualified for employment above the minimum
wage, they find no work at all.
So how do we help them? Not by giving them more welfare. That would only make them dependent prodigals. Nor by instructing the police to give their
rage free rein. That only sustains their
criminality.
We can begin with
honesty. Men who have been deprived of
their traditional roles have a right to be angry. But they do not have a right to be
destructive. Their reign of familial
terror must stop. Yet they also need an
outlet for their energy. So let us teach
them to be mensches. The basic material is
there.
Melvyn L. Fein, Ph.D.
Professor of Sociology
Kennesaw State University
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