Marital Complications

I would like to clear up some confusions.  Our current marital difficulties constitute a crisis.  That divorce is sky high, cohabitation has been normalized, and roughly half of our children are raised by single parents, strikes me as a disaster that has to be addressed.  Unless we do, our shared future is in jeopardy.

When I wrote about this several weeks ago, among the reader objections were that not everyone wants to marry, while our churches are already dealing with these issues.  These complaints were well thought out and therefore deserve an answer.

Let’s start with religion.  Christianity and Judaism are plainly engaged in strengthening our families. This is all to the good. Nonetheless, we are an increasingly secular nation.  A nonspiritual way of supporting firm marital unions is, therefore, essential 

Marriage is not, however, for everyone.  More Americans remain single and/or marry later than previously. This is perfectly acceptable.  I have no intension of forcing people into relationships they do not desire.  My main concern is that people who have children must reinforce their commitments so that their offspring receive dependable parenting.

Once upon a time, there were intense pressures to marry.  Before the advent of modern medicine, adults had to be encouraged to have children lest the population decline.  Now that the young usually survive their parents—who incidentally live longer—this is unnecessary.

Given the wealth we have accumulated, there is less need for men and women to enter relationships that make untoward demands.  Many folks have therefore concluded that they should stay single.  Why give up one’s freedom when there is so little advantage to doing so?  

My argument with this conclusion is that it makes a big mistake. It assumes that marriage is more of a hassle than it is worth.  I believe otherwise.  As long as people know how to create a fair union, both parties are apt to benefit.  The trouble is that many do not know how.  They want love and caring, but do not understand how to obtain these.

Like many people, I grew up in a household filled with strife.  My parents seemed always to be at each other’s throats.  This is why I postponed getting married until I was in my sixties.  But when I did, I knew what I was doing and hence I am now receiving advantages I did not believe possible.

When I began teaching marriage and family at KSU—and even more so when I organized symposiums about dating—I realized how insecure many of my students were.  They too did not want to repeat their parents’ mistakes, yet did not know how to avoid them.

Having been brainwashed by the feminists into believing that abuse is an unavoidable concomitant of marriage, they were determined to safeguard their autonomy.  The upshot was that many were lonely.  Social media friends did not compensate for the lack of a reliable face-to-face attachment. Nor was sex the same as love.

That’s why I wrote Saving Our Marriages; Saving Ourselves.  It was, I found, impossible to explain why we marry or how we stay married within the compass of short columns.  It still is.

First, men and women differ.  Furthermore, the two genders cannot make allowances for these differences if they don’t understand them.  This is not to deny that some people desire relations with persons of their own sex. That’s fine with me.  Nonetheless, gays constitute a small proportion of the community.  Heterosexism remains the norm.

If this is true, married couples need to be committed to pursuing moral equality.  Both parties have an identical right to have their desires respected.  Unless they acknowledge this, when they negotiate their differences, they may never discover solutions that work for both.

Before they get there, however, they must select their mates wisely.  Sexual attraction is seldom enough. Unfortunately the very young generally do not know what they want or how to evaluate what a potential partner wants. This is why marriage is not for the immature.

To reiterate, although I am a strong advocate of marriage, I realize that it is not for everyone.   As long as these unions remain optional, some folks should avoid them.  Even so, many more can derive happiness when bonded to another human being.  As long as a pair scrupulously collaborates on shared objectives, both can come out ahead.

I hope this clarifies some of what I meant.  Then again, maybe reading my book is the only way to find out.

Melvyn L. Fein, Ph.D.

Professor Emeritus

Kennesaw State University