Limits with Latitude

This business of rich parents buying their children’s way into elite universities is very distressing.  It is so in terms of the corruption involved.  But it is also so with regard to how these parents regard their children.  Their over-protection is disturbing on several counts.

Those of us who have taught college are aware of the sense of entitlement many students exhibit.  They not only believe they have a right to a higher education; they assume they also have a right to graduate.  Whether or not they do college level work, they expect a degree.

Many students also demand that they not be offended.  If what they are taught does not conform to what they already believe, they assume they have the right to quash it.  How dare anyone to force them to rethink their preconceptions. This might make them uncomfortable and that is not permissible.

So let’s go back to those kids whose parents bought their way into a good school.  We learned that in several instances the parents did not believe their offspring were smart enough for college work.  Either that or these teenagers were not motivated to engage in academics.

How then does getting them into an elite institution help these quasi-adults?  If they cannot pass the exams, will they be forced to drop out?  Or, if they manage to graduate, will this help them in the job market?  As has been noted by perceptive observers, a credential can get you in the door, but it can’t keep you there if you do not deliver.

Ours is a competitive world.  If you can’t beat the other guy, he will probably beat you.  Clearly the parents who resorted to bribery intended to protect their progeny from this cruel fate.  They hoped to shield them from stiff competition.  After all, this was their due.

Only it isn’t.  No one is entitled to success.  It has to be earned.  Parents, who interfere with a child’s ability to fight for success, do him/her no favors. If their offspring are not strong enough to endure the wear and tear of the struggle, they will lose.

How then to raise tough children?   The formula is simple to understand, albeit difficult to implement. It is: limits with latitude. Children need to be protected from what they do not understand, but also afforded the space to make independent choices.

In our more professionalized world, people who occupy leadership positions must be self-directed.  They require the knowledge and the motivation to choose wisely.  Moreover, if they are not resilient enough to deal with uncertainties, they are sure to fold under pressure.

The only way to obtain this toughness is to learn how to deal with failures.  Things always go wrong when we compete with others or when we engage in complex activities. We, not our protectors, must then respond.  If we cannot, we will fall backward.

This learning has to be first hand.  Unless it is, we cannot improve our skills.  As importantly, if we do not personally discover how to deal with our fears, these will hold us back.  No parent can spare us this knowledge, however much they may be pained by our pain.

While it is natural for parents to prevent their children from being injured, it is sometimes essential to stand back and allow whatever happens to happen.  Indeed, the growing up process is a sort of equilibrium.  Thus we allow our babies to crawl, but not to use steps unaided. Meanwhile teenagers are permitted to drive automobiles, but not to come home after midnight.

By the time they get to college, the young ought to be able to study on their own.  If anything, they should be rebelling against too many restrictions.  This means applying to school on one’s own and taking the lumps that come along.  An inability to do so, whether it derives from over-protective parenting or a clinging child, does not bode well.

We Americans boast about being the home of the brave, whereas those who never test themselves against reality, never acquire much courage.  They seldom live up to their potential or obtain the satisfaction of achieving difficult goals.

Independence is a precious gift.  It allows us to become our best selves.  Why would any parent deny this to a son or daughter?  Such parents are enormously selfish.  They want to bask their offspring’s glory.  In fact, because their children can’t perform very well, no one gets much of anything.

Melvyn L. Fein, Ph.D.

Professor Emeritus

Kennesaw State University