Sex and the Young Adult

Sometimes the world is not as we would prefer. Sometimes the facts lead to unwelcome conclusions. I have recently found this to be the case with respect to my attitudes toward premarital sex.
Let me explain. I am not a child. I came to maturity many decades ago. My views of sexuality were consequently shaped in very different times from today. Indeed, my ideal of demure femininity was Doris Day. No; not the Doris who succumbed to the charms of Rock Hudson, but the squeaky pure one courted by Gorgon MacCrae.
Nevertheless, I am a college professor and as such I do research. Recently this has concerned marriage and dating. Much to my surprise, the ways these are managed nowadays differ considerably from what was once the case.
To be more precise, men and women are marrying much later than previously. As of now, the average for women is twenty-six and for men twenty-eight. No longer are couples meeting in high school or even college. No longer are they finding a first love while still in school and then making a match that lasts a lifetime.
Everyone knows that divorce has become common, but not everyone realizes that individuals who wait until their respective careers are well underway are currently forming the strongest unions.
This means that men and women are marrying over a decade after they achieve sexual maturity. This implies that if the Doris Day model were followed, people would have to exercise iron-will for a very long time if they were to be sexually innocent when they finally tied the knot.
As might be expected, this is not what is happening. Almost everyone, male and female, has some experience with coitus before this is officially condoned. If anything, those who remain completely abstinent until their late-twenties are today considered deviant. They are certainly not the norm.
Mind you, promiscuity remains a problem. People who play musical beds in a manner suggested by the media are scarcely good candidates for stable matrimonial bonds. Those who treat intercourse as if it were the same as a handshake do not make reliable partners for committed relationships.
This puts us in a quandary. If marriage is a good thing—and I am certain it is—and if sexual exploration is virtually inevitable before marriage, how do we keep the sex act sufficiently valued so that it is not indiscriminately indulged in?
The good news is that most people cherish marital fidelity. They also tend to disparage sleeping around. In particular, despite an increasing tolerance of pre-marital sex, women who have too many partners continue to be regarded as “sluts.” Like it or not, there remains a “double standard.”
But why shouldn’t there be. Freud has been reviled for asserting that “anatomy is destiny,” but he was right. Women become pregnant; men don’t. As a result, women have more to lose if they are careless in bestowing their favors.
So where does this leave us? For one thing is makes efforts to promote complete abstinence problematic. These may serve to delay sexual activity, but cannot stop it. They may help to limit the number of partners, but will not reduce them to zero.
In other words, whatever our personal preferences, premarital sex must be accepted as a fact of life. If we are to be realistic, we need to encourage the young to delay sexuality and then to indulge in it with circumspection. They have to be taught that sex is a potent form of human interaction and therefore should not be taken lightly.
Most especially, unprotected sex that results in unwanted pregnancies must be kept to a minimum. Whatever the hormonal drives of young adults, these must not be allowed to produce misery in children who do not ask to be born.
Times may have changed, but free love continues to be a contradiction is terms. If love is interpreted as sex—as it frequently is—then broad freedom cannot be confused with irresponsibility. There must still be limits to when and with whom.
Melvyn L. Fein. Ph.D.
Professor of Sociology
Kennesaw State University