Saving Ourselves

Decades ago, when I worked as a clinician, I learned an important lesson.  I had begun under the assumption that it was my job to save people from the catastrophes in which they were enmeshed.  I needed to be wise enough to point them in the right direction and strong enough to make sure they heeded my instructions.

It soon became apparent, however, that I had neither the knowledge nor the power to rescue my clients.  Whether they were drug addicts, mentally ill, or normal folks who were unhappy with their lives, their success depended more on them than me.

The problem was not my inadequacies—which were many—but that humans are not puppets.  As virtually all helping professionals discover, people must save themselves.  A helper can provide assistance, but unless these folks do the hard work, it will not get done.

It is the same with society at large.  Unless ordinary people address their personal issues, they will not be solved.  Looking to others to do the heavy lifting, in fact, impedes progress.  No matter how gifted or well-intentioned prospective helpers, they cannot do what people can only do for themselves.

Some eight years ago, millions of Americans fervently believed that Barack Obama would rescue them from the doldrums.  The hope and change he promised would produce social justice and economic prosperity of unprecedented proportions.

Yet this was not how things turned out.  Many liberals assume that this failure was attributable to the reactionary scoundrels who sabotaged their savior.  Had these selfish individuals not stood in his way, equality and interpersonal devotion would have become the norm.

Now many conservatives imagine that Donald Trump will perform comparable miracles—from the opposite side of the political spectrum.  He will repeal and replace ObamaCare and reform the tax code to such an extent that almost everyone will prosper.

Trump, to be sure, does not possess the messianic aura of Obama.  He nonetheless makes extraordinary promises.  His are so big that, as both his supporters and foes realize, they were not immediately realized.

The truth is that politicians cannot work magic.  Although they can remove some of the obstacles to personal success, they are unable to create jobs, or strengthen marriages, or ensure personal happiness.  These are up to us—individually and in conjunction with our role partners.

Principled realism begins with being realistic about what is possible.  This starts with the realization that we are a hierarchical species and therefore will never be completely equal.  Some folks will always be more powerful than others.  Some will also grow richer than their peers.

The government can help level the playing field, but it cannot play the game for the participants.  Thus, if they do not develop their skills or put in the effort to become winners, they will not be.

Whether we are loved is also within our purview.  To begin with, universal love of every person for every other person is absurd.  Genuine love depends on the creation of an emotional bond between individuals who know each other very well.  It is therefore limited in scope.

Love is consequently something that persons must procure for themselves.  They have to develop the emotional maturity to enter intimate collaborations.  They must make commitments to other humans who reciprocate their dedication.  This can be extraordinarily difficult, nevertheless only those involved can achieve it.

Government officials may promise us success and yet they are too far away and too emotionally detached to make much of a difference.  As it happens, they are capable of less assistance than are professional helpers.  Why?  Because they neither understand, nor care about, the complications in actual human lives.

If this is true, then looking to Washington to underwrite our success on the job or in our homes is feckless.  In abdicating our personal responsibilities, we would lay the groundwork for disillusionment.  Although politicians share some of the blame by making pledges they cannot fulfill, we would be at fault for believing them.

Human perfection is not possible and in this sense neither is unqualified salvation.  Even so, improvements are feasible.  We can consummate these as long as we realize that we must begin by helping ourselves.

Melvyn L. Fein, Ph.D.

Professor of Sociology

Kennesaw State University