Men Must Be Mensches

Both my wife and my female students often tell me that I am too hard on women.  Whenever I insist that women must be discouraged from having children out of wedlock, they remind me that men have something to do with this as well.

Obviously, they are right.  It takes two to conceive.  But they miss an important point.  Only women get pregnant.  This places a heavier burden on them.  Although this is unfair, this injustice has been imposed on them by nature.

Nonetheless, men must not be let off the hook.  We cannot treat those who seduce numerous women as heroes.  If they leave their seed behind without a trace of remorse, they are scoundrels.  Far from being super-masculine, they do not even qualify as genuine men.

Males who father children, but do not stick around to help raise them are thugs.  They are no better than muggers who grab a woman’s purse and then flee into the darkness.  At best, they are children who play at being men.

Yiddish has a word for what is needed.  The term in “mensch.”  While literally translated as “man,” it means much more.  A mensch is responsible.  He (or she) is a stand up person.  A mensch is someone who can be counted upon to do the right thing in a pinch.

Today’s drive-by-fathers are anything but.  Often unable—or unwilling—to hold a job, they refuse to support their wives and children.  Typically too selfish and immature to make sacrifices for others, they are more concerned with their momentary pleasures.

Such persons do not warrant respect.  They should be pitied and scorned rather than admired.  We ought to get furious at their depredations.  Instead of shrugging our shoulders at the human damage they leave behind, we should at least censure them.

But we must do more.  Some feminists castigate virtually all men as potential rapists.  They also dismiss husbands and fathers as useless appendages.  Because men tend to be more aggressive than women, males are condemned as abusers and misanthropes.

This is a serious mistake.  Male aggressiveness can be tamed.  When it is controlled, it can be turned to positive effect.  Responsibly aggressive men protect their homes and families.  Responsibly aggressive men build huge corporations and send rockets to the moon.

The question is, therefore, how do we convert irresponsible wastrels into trustworthy adults.  A great deal of time and money has been devoted to encouraging women to be assertive.  As much as been dedicated to teaching women the skills needed to compete with men in the marketplace.

Men, on the other hand, are regarded as “privileged.”  Not only are they not helped; they are frequently burdened with requirements designed to slow them down.  Most do not get affirmative action; they get quotas and legal procedures that prevent them from defending against charges of sexual misconduct.

Where are the classes to teach angry young men how to be winners?  Oh, yes they get training on how not to get angry.  But where is the training on how to convert their anger into economic success?

Poor men, the ones who are most likely to become absentee fathers, really get a raw deal.  Deprived of the physical jobs that once enabled them to support their families, they struggle to keep out of jail.  Unqualified for employment above the minimum wage, they find no work at all.

So how do we help them?  Not by giving them more welfare.  That would only make them dependent prodigals.  Nor by instructing the police to give their rage free rein.  That only sustains their criminality.

We can begin with honesty.  Men who have been deprived of their traditional roles have a right to be angry.  But they do not have a right to be destructive.  Their reign of familial terror must stop.  Yet they also need an outlet for their energy.  So let us teach them to be mensches.  The basic material is there.

Melvyn L. Fein, Ph.D.

Professor of Sociology

Kennesaw State University