Hooking Up: Changes in Courtship Strategies

Almost everyone acknowledges that marriage has changed. The disagreements—and there are plenty—concern whether these are positive and/or what, if anything, to do about them. Some see traditional marriages as in crisis, whereas others perceive recent developments as socially liberating.
I, for one, in teaching sociology to a combination of traditional and non-traditional students, have encountered a great deal of angst. Many men and women, both young and old, are disturbed by the current instability of intimate relationships. They personally yearn for everlasting love, but worry that it may not be available to them—or if it seems to be, may prove ephemeral.
On college campuses nationwide this has been expressed in drastic changes in the manner couples get together. Where once dating was the normal process for pairing, today there is more emphasis on “hooking up” and “hanging out.” The old-fashioned practice of couples meeting at an appointed time and then proceeding to dinner and/or a movie is nowadays regarded as quaint.
What has happened is chronicled in Kathleen Bogle’s Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus. In this beautifully written and sensibly analyzed investigation into modern courtship customs, Dr. Bogle lifts the curtain of confusion that has prevented most of us—which is to say those of us past our twenties—from appreciating what is really happening to contemporary heterosexual relationships.
Many of us have not wished to recognize the degree to which pre-marital sex has become institutionalized. We have heard the term “hooking up” and feared that it referred to an indiscriminate sexual meat market that inevitably produced marital volatility. As such, we were appalled.
In this regard, Dr Bogle’s study offers mixed messages. On the comforting side, although “hooking up” does include casual sexual liaisons that are not expected to lead to much else, the amount of sex involved is less than salacious reports have implied. Indeed, her estimate is that only about a quarter of hooking up episodes become fully sexual. Many more are assumed to do so because the participants (especially the men) are content to have outsiders believe what they will.
Also comforting—at least to me—is the fact that college women continue to worry about their reputations. To be thought too easily available for sex is still to be regarded as a “slut” by most members of both sexes. This means that a majority of women are reasonably careful about bestowing their favors. They rightfully fear that if they are not, they will be considered a casual night’s fun, and little else.
On the other hand, virginity is not as valued as it once was. And how could it be considering the situation of those involved. Today the average age at which women marry is twenty-five, whereas that of men is twenty-seven. This means that both sexes must endure over a decade during which they are sexually mature but not engaged is a socially sanctioned relationship. Under the circumstances the pressure to do something must be enormous.
Given this state of affairs the hooking up scene is a modest solution. It allows for limited sexual experimentation, but does so without providing unrestricted promiscuity. In fact, much of the sex that does occur is of the “oral” variety. (No doubt President Clinton would be proud.)
The problem—and I believe it serious—is that practice in developing sound relationships is also restricted. Instead of using the dating ritual to learn about oneself and others, genuine courtship is put on hold. Merely “hanging out” with members of the opposite sex is not a particularly effective way of investigating the difficulties (and joys) of interpersonal intimacy. It is more about postponing adult life than figuring out how to enter it on the of best terms.
This said, what most intrigued me about Bogle’s book is how much we do not know. Courtship rituals have clearly changed, and keep doing so, but we do not have good information about how they look from the inside. Nor do we fully understand their consequences or whether there are superior alternatives.
Considering how important these issues are, it is remarkable the degree to which we have averted our eyes from reality. It is likewise remarkable how many of us are content to allow ideology to determine our attitudes toward sex, marriage, and personal relationships. In this regard, Bogle’s book is a welcome wake-up call. If nothing else, it is extremely thought provoking.
Melvyn L. Fein. Ph.D.
Professor of Sociology
Kennesaw State University